Exploring

I have kept this blogpost open for the past week. I guess it is difficult to dive oneself into real exploration just like that. What pushed me to come back once more to this semi-abandoned blog? For one, the ever-present feeling that I should be writing. A feeling that I constantly push back, postpone and hide in the back of my head. As the willingness to write is of equal power as the fear of failing at it. The second reason is that I now have a chance to confront myself and the fear. I have time. Last week, after years of schooling, work, and more schooling, I stopped. I am taking a break from capitalism's approved occupations to explore life. I wish I could say I went full-in, ready to for that unconventional adventurous life off the beaten track. Not there yet. Of course, my (lack of-)bravery and my structured self met. Hence, my break is scheduled from now until September, when I will start studying again. Anyway, I am proud of this decision. And yesterday, I woke up with no plan and no holiday happening. 

One side of me wants to take this time to just learn everything I have been postponing in the last years, study German, study the Saxophone, study poetry, creative writing, history, etc. The other side asks for something else, something different that I cannot really pin down. When I was a kid sometimes I would role-play being the dreamy author or artist. In my dreamy game, I would be able to just walk outside, inspired by nature, let it flow through my artist's senses and be able to traspire creative output. I used to be afraid of only being able to dream as a role-play, too lost in my structure. 

But thinking about it, it was almost dreaming about dreaming, so it must count for some level of dreaminess, right? I am not sure this was actually the most fitting example now, but my head sees some overlap, some pattern repeating over and over and over again in this fear of fully letting go. Planned dreaming is an oxymoron that does not sound very poetical. 

Indeed, I need something different for these coming months. Just time off to observe and reach at least the dream of dream state?

It feels as if the creative side of my head got atrophied, resting too long while my structured self handled all the life coming at me. And that is why I have to write, and breath life through its miniature marvels.
I believe Saxophone is right now the perfect meeting point of these worlds. Learning how to play an instrument requires the curiosity of children, and yet stimulates the learning my more rational mind needs. Or maybe it is also the child and I just do not know myself. Anyway, when there are people around like Nubya, it is clear that Sax is the right choice. Oh, and also that dreaming is possible.

 

There was not really a specific point to this post. But just the promise to myself that I will catch the miniature marvels and report them here. I guess, I will also talk about my projects and things I am doing. It is just me here, so I decide.
Bye.